Once upon a time, I was a young woman in college, with no children, and great big plans for myself. Over the years, those plans have grown and changed along with the size of my family. While reflecting on my final week as a college student, I was reading through some of my old papers, when I stumbled across one that brought back some pleasant memories. So, I thought I would share a story about what began it all...Here Goes!
I had always had a plan for myself for as long as I could remember. I was going to finish my Associates degree in May, and move to New York In August. I had it all planned out, down to me eventually becoming a famous artist and writer. I would live in a sleek industrial loft apartment in the busiest part of the city, so I could walk to Central Park. My place would have exposed duct work, concrete floors, and an open concept arrangement (my idea even before it was the “in thing”). I wanted the city life, the lights, the fast paced environment. I was independent. I was a free spirit, not to be tied down by anyone or anything. Of course, I would have lots of friends, go to all the best parties, and I would attend NYU to finish my degree. It was going to be the perfect life. Those dreams did not, at the age of twenty one, include motherhood.
Instead, here I was, pregnant with my first child and in a relationship with someone I had not exactly planned to be with my whole life. To top it off, I was facing what felt like nearly every pregnancy related complication in the book; kidney stones, hyperemisis (a fancy name for morning sickness all day, every day, all nine months), high blood pressure, gestational diabetes, and of course preterm labor.
The list of my self-piteous woes was a mile long, and I was angry with the world for the death of my dream. What had happened to that perfect picture of what my life was supposed to be? How was I ever going to achieve my dreams? Instead of living it up in New York, I was trapped in a small town in Illinois, too sick to work, unable to finish my degree, and on bed rest so I could barely leave the house. I was not married (which I had not planned to do until I was thirty anyway), but I was living with my boyfriend, whom I barely saw because he worked two jobs. We had a one bedroom apartment in a less than great neighborhood, and we were struggling financially.
To make things worse, I had been estranged from my mother for over a year because of a petty argument, and had no contact with my siblings who were off living their own lives, so I felt completely alone. What a mess I had made of things. Again, this was not the plan. I should have been in New York months ago!
On September 10th, 2001 I awoke from a nap to my first contraction. It was time! We rushed to the hospital as fast as our broken-down car would take us, having to restart it every two or three blocks when it would stall. Coincidentally, the timing of the engine stalls happened to line up with each of my contractions, which made it even worse. Needless to say, it was less than an ideal situation.
We finally made it to the delivery room, but despite my heavy contractions, I was not progressing. All I could think about was all of the times the baby had tried to come early, and now he was refusing to cooperate. I was miserable, in a lot of pain, and more scared than I had ever been in my life. After a few hours, my boyfriend left the room staying he was going to go get my ice chips for me. I was frustrated, and angry, and I did not want his ice chips; "this is his fault," I thought. A couple minutes later, he walked back into the room with my mom. Apparently, he had taken the chance to call her earlier while they were hooking me up to the various tubes, needles, and monitors, and asked her to come and be with me.
I immediately burst into tears, as did she. We reconciled right then and there, between contractions, agreeing that neither of us had been right or wrong, just stupid. We had wasted an entire year being stubborn and mad, refusing to apologize. She was there to help me through my twenty plus hours of active labor, holding my hand, keeping me calm and helping me focus. I was having troubles breathing, my heart rate was racing, and my blood sugar was way off. I was sick, and getting sicker. The doctors started discussing a cesarean delivery. Even with the epidural, the pain was seemingly insurmountable. I was exhausted, and I wanted to give up. I wanted to sleep, and wake up with everything back to normal, but it was too late for that. It was too late for my dream, and too late to change things. This was happening, and it was happening now. Then, the doctor yelled, “Push! Push, now!”
Minutes later, the doctor reached up and placed my son on my chest; he was slimy, crying with all his might, and flailing around like a fish ripped violently from the water, gasping for air. The second he laid his little head full of curly blond hair on my chest and heard my heartbeat, he stopped crying, looked up at me, and grabbed my finger.
The world around me disappeared. It was like the pain had never existed. Gone were brash sounds of beeping monitors, the pumping of the oxygen machine, the echoes in the hallway outside, and the incoherent babbling of the people in the room. In that moment, the only thing that existed was this tiny little man looking up at me. In that brief second, my world shifted on its axis and began spinning itself around this new life I had created.
My dreams of New York, and parties, and fancy apartments sank silently into the deep waters of his big blue eyes. Instead, I could think of nothing more than protecting him, loving him with every ounce of my being, and making the best life for him that I could. The anger, resentment, and self-pity were gone.
A couple hours later as I held my newborn son, the whole world watched in horror as the first plane careened with the World Trade Center. Over the next few hours, the entire nation shook. Thousands of lives were lost that day, and even more were changed forever. It seems that rather than ruining my life, motherhood may have saved it. If it were not for my son, I would have been in New York that day…that had been the plan, after all, hadn't it?
One of the most tragic days in our nation's history, September 11, 2001...also the day I became a mother. |