How it all began...

                Where did the idea for "Steps for Steps" Come from?

As I did, many of you will enter this new and daunting experience, that of being a step parent, with the best of intentions, only to find yourselves floundering each step of the way. We try to build the framework for our new world armed only with naïve ideals, unrealistic expectations, doubts, and fear. We assume that things will just fit together naturally, and that it will be as easy as it is with our own children. It is just these ideas that set us up for disappointment and make us wonder what we are doing wrong.

But, have no fear, there is hope! While your new family may not come with that much needed how-to manual, there are some simple steps to help ease the stress of step-family life. In the upcoming posts, I will share with you all some lessons I have learned, not only in my studies as a communications major, but in my life as a wife, mom, and step mom. In the next few posts, look for excerpts (like the one below) from an article I wrote a few months ago entitled, "Steps for New Steps." I wrote the article for one of my major courses, but it inspired me to do more and to reach out to others in my situation.............Enjoy!

Step One: Have a real conversation with your kids.

Children are capable of understanding much more than we tend to give them credit for.

Talk to them early on, and explain the possibility of remarriage, new living arrangements, and even the chance of inheriting new siblings. Most importantly, learn to actively listen. Your children will have an opinion, and they will need to feel heard. Let them express their feelings, without fear of disappointing you or being judged. Let them speak, and even if your feelings (or pride) are hurt, do not interrupt. It sounds so simple, but it is not. Try to avoid interrupting or jumping in to defend your mate or his offspring. Instead, allow your children time to process things in their own way. Remember, just because you are in love with your new mate, does not mean that your children will be (at least not right away).

They will have questions, and try not to get upset when they ask them. My youngest (before the baby came, that is) was just 2 1/2 years old when I met my fiance, and his first question was this: "Mommy, you got rid of Daddy cus you didn't love him no more, and got a new boy to be your friend. Does that mean you will get rid of me too?" OUCH. Like I said, this part is tough, but it is totally worth it. I was able to bond with my boys by allowing them the freedom to say how they really felt. It was difficult to hear about their anxieties, disappointments, and even their somewhat amusing worries over sharing their toys. In the end, we all agreed to give it time, and try to be patient with each other.