Force things together, and they will come apart...

I know, it all soundsoxymoronic, but the truth of the matter is, that surviving as a blended family means learning when to mix and when to divide. This may be contrary to a lot of the "puppy dogs and rainbows" style information that step parents are used to reading, but it is real advice from someone who has lived it.
In the beginning, we thought that it was vital that we force the family together, do everything together, even put his kids and my kids together in bedrooms (against their will, I am ashamed to admit). That did not work. It only created more friction between two very different groups of kids.

My boys were used to my way of doing things. Their world had always centered around respect, discipline and routine..interspersed with fun and creativity. We would take trips to the park, do art projects, I would give them cooking lessons, and we would even play together in the dirt. They are good humored, and well behaved, but sensitive to change, and resist it at all costs!

Mine

His boys were used to their dad working a lot and missing out (he was a great dad, but they were often asleep by the time he got home from his shift). Meanwhile their mom, who did not work, spent the majority of her day on the internet, ignoring their needs, and feeding them junk food. Their mother walked away, leaving them with a whole new family, trust issues, and a fear of abandonment.

His

Admittedly, our children were not only raised differently, but they had very different personalities. Add to that the grief the kids were feeling over the loss of what they had always known (however dysfunctional it may have been), and you have some very resistant and confused kiddos. This made them irritable, argumentative, and down right rotten (though this was not really their fault), which meant it was even more difficult for my fiance and I to bond not only with each other's children, but even with our own...what a mess!

So, we took a step back, and decided that the best way to get the kids (and our family as a whole) together, was to separate them, and let things happen naturally...they needed to figure it out on their own. We put them in bedrooms where they felt comfortable with their room mates, and allowed them each to have their own space. They had a safe place for their own things, which they did not have to share with anyone else, but this came with the understanding that they were not to "hide" in their rooms from each other (or from reality). In addition, we created a sort of toy-infested Switzerland that we call "the green room," an obvious nickname given by a three year old based on the color of the walls. The green room is full of toys, games, and even a giant dry erase board, where all of the kids can go to play together.

Then, we met in the middle with neutral things we could all agree on like making homemade pizzas on Friday nights, watching movies, playing dodgeball in the yard, and a little something we like to call Arty Party!. From there, we let the kids come to us, and in the process we all managed to meet in the middle. They responded with great enthusiasm, and even started co-mingling with each other without being prompted to. Three years later, nobody can tell which kids are mine, and which are his...because they are all OURS.

                                                    

OURS!