Today's Short and Sweet Tidbit...

Being a parent is difficult, so I like to try to relive my childhood every once in a while.

Try to remember what it was like to be a kid. Everything was a new and exciting, your siblings were either your best friend or your worst enemy (this was day to day, or sometimes minute to minute if you had sisters), and you could conquer the world with a box of crayons. I stumbled across this little beauty today (a lovely tagged photo on Facebook), and I couldn't help but think back to those days. Please hold your laughter till the end...Back then, I was always at odds with my siblings, and then realized they had been my siblings my whole life. There was sort of an inherent acceptance there; dare I say, I felt I had to love them since they were there all the time! I wonder how much more difficult those brother-sister relationships could have been if they had joined the party later in our life...I wonder if we would hate each other if they had been my...(insert dramatic horror movie music)...Wicked Step Siblings!

Thankfully, as adults we are all very close, and for the most part, have assumed more "mature" relationships, though admittedly we do still bicker like children from time to time. Look at that picture...it kind of says it all!

Left to right: My younger sister Michelle, the spoiled rotten baby of the family. Me in all my coke-bottle glasses, smart kid, glory, My sister Shanyne, the oldest and therefor somehow the vice president of operations, my older brother Corey (now serving in Afghanistan),  who tormented me my entire childhood for being "a geek."

How it all began...

                Where did the idea for "Steps for Steps" Come from?

As I did, many of you will enter this new and daunting experience, that of being a step parent, with the best of intentions, only to find yourselves floundering each step of the way. We try to build the framework for our new world armed only with naïve ideals, unrealistic expectations, doubts, and fear. We assume that things will just fit together naturally, and that it will be as easy as it is with our own children. It is just these ideas that set us up for disappointment and make us wonder what we are doing wrong.

But, have no fear, there is hope! While your new family may not come with that much needed how-to manual, there are some simple steps to help ease the stress of step-family life. In the upcoming posts, I will share with you all some lessons I have learned, not only in my studies as a communications major, but in my life as a wife, mom, and step mom. In the next few posts, look for excerpts (like the one below) from an article I wrote a few months ago entitled, "Steps for New Steps." I wrote the article for one of my major courses, but it inspired me to do more and to reach out to others in my situation.............Enjoy!

Step One: Have a real conversation with your kids.

Children are capable of understanding much more than we tend to give them credit for.

Talk to them early on, and explain the possibility of remarriage, new living arrangements, and even the chance of inheriting new siblings. Most importantly, learn to actively listen. Your children will have an opinion, and they will need to feel heard. Let them express their feelings, without fear of disappointing you or being judged. Let them speak, and even if your feelings (or pride) are hurt, do not interrupt. It sounds so simple, but it is not. Try to avoid interrupting or jumping in to defend your mate or his offspring. Instead, allow your children time to process things in their own way. Remember, just because you are in love with your new mate, does not mean that your children will be (at least not right away).

They will have questions, and try not to get upset when they ask them. My youngest (before the baby came, that is) was just 2 1/2 years old when I met my fiance, and his first question was this: "Mommy, you got rid of Daddy cus you didn't love him no more, and got a new boy to be your friend. Does that mean you will get rid of me too?" OUCH. Like I said, this part is tough, but it is totally worth it. I was able to bond with my boys by allowing them the freedom to say how they really felt. It was difficult to hear about their anxieties, disappointments, and even their somewhat amusing worries over sharing their toys. In the end, we all agreed to give it time, and try to be patient with each other.

Short and Sweet for the day:

Learn to appreciate your step children.

You may not yet "love" them, and in some cases, you may not even like them. Hopefully that will improve with time, but at first the relationship is more work than fun. I have heard that inheriting teens can be a nightmare for some, so I suppose I got lucky that mine were so young. Either way, you have to find some common ground or neither of you will survive. What helped me was putting myself in their shoes...

How would I feel if my world was ripped in half, my mother was no longer there for me, and my dad replaced her with this new mom, with different rules, a new house, new brothers, and no idea if my opinion even mattered in any of it. I would act out a little, to say the least. I would fight this lady, and assume she is the bad guy, the reason my world is in disarray! Now, imagine if this new woman in daddy's life told me no, didn't do things the way I was used to, and didn't really seem to get what I liked, what I needed, and what I thought was fun. Pretty overwhelming, right?

Well, my two were 1 and 3 when I inherited them into my brood, their level of needy was off the charts, and here I was taking their daddy away from them. So, I had to take a step back and realize that as hard as this whole transition was on me (and believe me, it was), it was just as hard on them. The only thing I could do was find one thing...just one small window into their world, to join theirs with mine. With Noah (he is our autistic soldier), it was drawing and writing. I would sit with him for hours and write the alphabet, draw pictures, and build with blocks. With Elijah, it was just cuddling. He is a clingy lovey-dovey type, so he was content to curl up on the couch and watch cartoons. It was small, and simple, but most importantly, it was on their terms.

Left to Right: Elijah (now almost 4), Me, Noah (almost 6)

Every journey starts with a step, right?

Force things together, and they will come apart...

I know, it all soundsoxymoronic, but the truth of the matter is, that surviving as a blended family means learning when to mix and when to divide. This may be contrary to a lot of the "puppy dogs and rainbows" style information that step parents are used to reading, but it is real advice from someone who has lived it.
In the beginning, we thought that it was vital that we force the family together, do everything together, even put his kids and my kids together in bedrooms (against their will, I am ashamed to admit). That did not work. It only created more friction between two very different groups of kids.

My boys were used to my way of doing things. Their world had always centered around respect, discipline and routine..interspersed with fun and creativity. We would take trips to the park, do art projects, I would give them cooking lessons, and we would even play together in the dirt. They are good humored, and well behaved, but sensitive to change, and resist it at all costs!

Mine

His boys were used to their dad working a lot and missing out (he was a great dad, but they were often asleep by the time he got home from his shift). Meanwhile their mom, who did not work, spent the majority of her day on the internet, ignoring their needs, and feeding them junk food. Their mother walked away, leaving them with a whole new family, trust issues, and a fear of abandonment.

His

Admittedly, our children were not only raised differently, but they had very different personalities. Add to that the grief the kids were feeling over the loss of what they had always known (however dysfunctional it may have been), and you have some very resistant and confused kiddos. This made them irritable, argumentative, and down right rotten (though this was not really their fault), which meant it was even more difficult for my fiance and I to bond not only with each other's children, but even with our own...what a mess!

So, we took a step back, and decided that the best way to get the kids (and our family as a whole) together, was to separate them, and let things happen naturally...they needed to figure it out on their own. We put them in bedrooms where they felt comfortable with their room mates, and allowed them each to have their own space. They had a safe place for their own things, which they did not have to share with anyone else, but this came with the understanding that they were not to "hide" in their rooms from each other (or from reality). In addition, we created a sort of toy-infested Switzerland that we call "the green room," an obvious nickname given by a three year old based on the color of the walls. The green room is full of toys, games, and even a giant dry erase board, where all of the kids can go to play together.

Then, we met in the middle with neutral things we could all agree on like making homemade pizzas on Friday nights, watching movies, playing dodgeball in the yard, and a little something we like to call Arty Party!. From there, we let the kids come to us, and in the process we all managed to meet in the middle. They responded with great enthusiasm, and even started co-mingling with each other without being prompted to. Three years later, nobody can tell which kids are mine, and which are his...because they are all OURS.

                                                    

OURS!

Learn About Conflict...you will need it!

Imagine this, you are a supervisor and have been asked to deliver an ultimatum to an employee (one who has been with you for two years) that has not only been performing poorly, but has become confrontational in the workplace, creating a hostile work environment. You must let them know they must change their ways, or say good bye...how would you approach this situation?

In life, we are surrounded by opportunities for potential conflict, in our personal lives, as well as in the workplace. In the business world it is vital that we approach a situation of conflict by being direct, professional, and focused. Any situation that involves a confrontation in can be uncomfortable and difficult to manage in even the best situation, so it is vital that we are organized, calm, and above all else, tactful in our efforts to address the situation. In the case study presented, it is of the utmost importance that the issues that have been raised be addressed immediately. The employee (we will call him “John”) is well outside of the learning curve within his position, having been with the company for two years. John should, at this point, not only be a valued resource but a trusted member of the staff. Since concerns have been raised not only by his coworkers, but by customers as well, it has crossed a significant line. His performance has begun to impact client relationships as well as employee productivity and work environment.

The first step would be to confront John directly. It is best, in situations such as this, that there not be an audience. Out of respect for the staff, as well as the employee in question, I would request a one-on-one meeting. In our meeting, I would approach him with respect and tact, while remaining direct. I would let him know that because he has been a valued member of the staff for two years, I wanted to make sure to address some issues that have been brought to my attention with him directly. I would let him know that there have been some concerns voiced regarding his recent performance and overall attitude from both coworkers and clients, and I wanted to give him an opportunity to explain. I would ask that he allow me to speak, without interrupting, and then I would do him the courtesy of allowing him to do the same. I have found that offering up specifics is the most effective way to address these types of performance issues. So, I would state specific examples of issues raised by customers, as well as occasions of inappropriate decorum I have noticed myself. This avoids dragging any of his coworkers in, and diverting his frustration to his cohorts. It will also reserve any initial temptations for retaliation he might feel. Throughout my conversation with John, it would be important to remember to address his behaviors, rather than him, personally.

Most likely, his initial reaction would be to get defensive. However, I would remind him that this meeting was not meant to be an attack on him, but an effort to correct some negative behaviors I have seen as of late; that if we did not value him, we would simply let him go, rather than giving him an opportunity to make improvements in his performance. I would also mention to him that in the past, I have seen great things from him, and believe in what he is capable of. So, I cannot help but wonder if he has something else going on that has affected his attitude and performance.

Once I have finished raising the issues at hand, I would ask if he had any questions, and let him know that he was free to speak. However, I would remind him to remain compliant and regard the laws of mutual respect and professionalism. At this time, I would give John time to express himself, assuring that as long as he remained focused on the issues at hand, and respectful in his tone, I would not interrupt. He would surely want to know who had complained, but I would remind him that this was not the focus of the meeting, and that he would be better served by concentrating on things he could do to make positive changes, rather than who blew the whistle. Avoid blame, while at the same time, focusing on responsibility.

Lastly, I would make an action item list with John, establishing a plan of action for how he plans to improve his performance, and his overall attitude in the workplace. I would allow John to brainstorm ideas, ask questions, and offer advice. Then, when we had agreed upon a reasonable course of action, and established a time line for when this plan should take affect, I would assure him that I would hold him accountable to his commitments. Should he stray from the new path of improvement, the consequences would be swift and without negotiation.

By being direct with John, I have avoided potential mis-communication, established a proper channel of accountability, and set the expectations for his future performance. Furthermore, by asking him to take an active role in setting those goals, I have increased his buy-in, as well as his responsibility for ensuring those goals are met. He would understand that his current performance is not acceptable, and will no longer be tolerated, but more importantly, will have a clear understanding of what will be expected of him from that point on. Then, if he should fall short of those guidelines, he would have no one to blame but himself.

While this particular example relates to the business world, the principles translate across several avenues. Be direct, be specific, be proactive, and attack the problem, not the person. Then, establish a plan, set expectations, and hold the person accountable. This holds true to conflicts in the workplace, or with your ten year old when he gets an F on his Social Studies test...think about that, and do some research to help you identify your top conflict resolution strategy. Find your strengths and stick to them.

Survival Means Staying Connected...

Step One: Stay Connected...reach out to others in a similar situation, gather as much information as possible, and learn as much as you can.

In today's modern world, there are a multitude of ways for us to stay connected to one another. This we must make a diligent effort to do in order to gain support, increase our knowledge, or even be entertained. Some of these means are digital, while others are more traditional. To truly utilize our resources to our fullest advantage we must first understand the benefits that each can offer.

Blogs

One way that we can all remain in sync with each other is through “blogging.” A weblog, or blog as it is most commonly known, is a digital journal made open to all by being accessible online(Bureau of Labor Statistics, 2012). This allows the author to convey their ideas in a way that makes the most sense to them; in their own language, from their own perspective, and in their own way. The audiences for blogs are as diverse as those who create them. Families can use them to stay connected with each other from anywhere in the world, share stories and news, and stay close when proximity is not an option.

At the same time the average internet browser is connecting with a long-lost relative, a business is using its internet blogging capabilities to diversify its customer interaction, as well as take advantage of any additional opportunity for marketing their product or services. They may choose to post ads on a frequently visited blog that is relevant to their goods, or have their own dedicated weblog. Some will blog to generate support for a cause (political, fund-raising, or awareness), while others simply want to share their knowledge of how to feed a large family on a budget. The beauty of blogging is that not only is it a cost free form of mass marketing ideas, but it is universally acceptable for everyone to not only have one, but to frequently use them as a source of every-day connectivity.

Websites

Another medium by which we connect, is through the use of Websites. While a website serves many of the same functions of a blog, it differs in that it is more function-oriented; to inform, sell, or persuade. In addition, the tools available will be more intensive. Websites offer the option to not only generate initial income through steady search exposure to a product or service, but through selling advertising space to other marketers.

Not only do websites frequently include ads, banners, and basic product information, but they also have the technological capability to support payment software, higher security, hyperlinks, and much more. Most importantly, a website offers users an overall greater internet presence. It is an excellent way to expand into arenas previously made impossible by distance or lack of capitol. The purpose of a website (or site, for short) is not only to provide information to others (typically customers or members) but also to create an additional level of customer service. The traffic generated by a site can sell inventory world wide, create a larger consumer base, and create buzz over a product, service, or message. Websites allow their representatives to expand their brand recognition on a global marketplace, providing equal opportunity for access, marketing, and exposure. The great thing about a website is that it is specific in its scope and functionality, therefore even those previously unaware of its existence can be introduced to it by doing a simple Google search for a relevant topic (i.e. Search: Step Parents, Result: “Life in the Blender”). Websites are a great opportunity for small businesses, or even the “little guy,” to compete in the global marketplace.

Social Networking: Facebook

One highly specialized website concept is that of the “social networking” sites. Facebook is one of the most commonly used social media outlets today. Though it is not the first of its kind, this particular social media outlet has certainly grown beyond the borders of the technology it began with. Now, members of this global community can not only keep in touch with friends and family members world-wide, but they can also reach out to those they have lost connection with. Facebook and other social media sites allow for a melding of consumerism and humanistic connectivity by creating a level playing field where individuals, businesses, organizations, even political figures, can all unite with each other through common interest and goals. Some use it for marketing and advertising, while others use it to find their high school sweetheart.

There are networking sites for professionals as well. Unlike Facebook, which is used primarily for informal communications, sites like LinkedIn present a more formal and market based alternative for the business professional. This online community consists of members who are in executive positions, business management staff, human resource directors, job seekers, and hiring agents alike. The one unifying factor among all members is the desire to both seek and find other professionally minded individuals that might offer them the opportunity to advance their own goals. Regardless of the user's intent, the technology within social media sites is easily accessible, user-friendly, and highly recognizable. At the same time, it still manages to extend through the global community, beyond the walls presented by race, classification, or socioeconomic borders. It is a digital equalizer of sorts.

Print Media

One media technology that is not as heavily used today would be the print media. The purpose of print media is clear and traditional; to express and convey a message through printed word on paper. Though much of our media has gone the way of digital mass release, many of our favorite periodicals are still going strong in paper copy. Magazines, local papers, and catalogs are vying for the opportunity to avoid extinction. Fortunately, they still appeal to the traditionalists and those who appreciate a tangible version of their favorite story. The Bible, for example, is one written work that will likely never go out of print production.

Print media is also a great way to advertise and market. Though many have chosen to forgo the traditional mode of print advertising in exchange for digital options, there is still value in it. Flyers, magazine ads, newsletters, and the local newspaper are all great opportunities to share a story and sell a product. The tangible nature of print on paper helps some audiences feel more connected to the message than a flashing banner ad, or one of the several “spam” messages that have landed in their inbox. In a world where digital delivery requires that we be connected at all times, the print media option can offer us an escape from the hustle and bustle of our every day lives. Though digital is the way of convenience and instant gratification, there is nothing better than curling up in front of the fireplace with a good book. It is rewarding to put the cell phone on silent, leave the computer and television off, and immerse ourselves in the written word. Page by page, we find ourselves delving further into the world of vampires and werewolves, or following the words of a great motivator as we choose to be better parents.

Without a doubt, media technologies can provide us with not only a wealth of information, but the tools we need to improve our daily lives. We need only be willing to obtain them, and more importantly, use them. Do not be afraid to try something new!

Welcome to Life in the Blender!

According to recent figures, over 2,100 new blended families will form each and every day. In the fall of 2009, I officially became a statistic. I exited my ten year relationship with a debt I had not aticipated, three very young and confused boys (then 7, 5, and 2), and resolution to never fall in love again...and then I met him.

I had not been looking for love by any means, and certainly had not anticipated our connection. Nevertheless, we instantly bonded as we shared our our post-divorce scars, the love of our children (he also had two boys), and our mutual mastery in the art sarcasm. It was a whirlwind romance, and within a couple months we saw that dreaded pink plus sign (another boy, by the way). You can imagine our shock when we realized what this meant. I will be the first to admit we had absolutely no clue what we were doing. To make matters worse, we lived an hour apart, his ex was less than pleasant to deal with, and our prospective custody arrangments were still in the fine-tuning stages. Did I mention that we both have children with special needs? His older son is autistic, and my middle child has ADHD with Oppositional Defiance Disorder.

There was a lot we didn't know going into this, but we did know this for sure: we love eachother, and we love our children. So, we took a deep breath, plugged our noses, and jumped in.

Now, we step parents have all heard them say, "You knew what you were getting yourself into when you got together..." They could not be more wrong. There is no way any of us could have anticipated the challenges we would face on a daily basis. We could never know the fear, exhaustion, frustration, love or joy. Whether we battle with sharing finances, ex-related drama, or bonding with our step children, there are no simple answers. The only thing we know, without a doubt, is that our bond with each other, as a couple, is the glue that holds our families together.

With that in mind, I created Life in the Blender. It is my hope that I can share with you what I have learned, as well as learn from others who, like me, are still learning to swim in the uncharted waters of blended family life. With enough support we can all survive...together.